How to write a thank you note to a friend

Search for how to write a thank you note and most of what comes back is about job interviews. This is the other kind. The note to the friend who drove you to the airport at five in the morning, the sister who took the kids for a weekend, the dad who fixed the boiler and said it was nothing.

Those are harder to write, because nobody is grading them and everybody can tell when you phoned it in.

Thank them for the thing, then for what it meant

A thank you note has two halves. The first half is what they did. The second is what it did for you. Most notes stop after the first half, which is why most notes read like a receipt.

The receipt: "Thanks for having us to stay."

The note: "Thanks for having us to stay. It was the first weekend in months I did not look at my phone once."

The second sentence is the one they keep.

Be specific enough to be slightly embarrassing

"Thanks for everything" covers everything and lands on nothing. Name the detail. The spare towels folded on the end of the bed. The fact they remembered you do not eat mushrooms. The text at eleven at night asking if you got home.

If you are worried the detail is too small, it is probably the right one. A small detail proves you were paying attention, and attention is the present.

The order that works

1. What they did, in one line.
2. The detail you noticed.
3. What it meant, or what it changed.
4. Your name.

No "I hope you are well" to warm up and no "anyway" to wind down. Four lines is a good note. Two lines is a good note if both of them are true.

Examples to change, not copy

These are here to show the shape. Swap in your own detail, or they will read like somebody else's.

You drove three hours to sit with my mum when I couldn't. I have not stopped thinking about it.

Thank you for the lasagne. We ate it for three days and argued over the corner bit every time.

You lent me your good coat for the interview and did not ask for it back for a month. I got the job. I still have the coat.

Thanks for listening on Tuesday. You didn't try to fix it, which was exactly right.

The birthday playlist. I know how long that took. I have played it every morning since.

What to leave out

• The apology for writing late. A late note is still a note. Write it.
• The favour in return. "I owe you one" turns a thank you into an invoice.
• How busy you have been. They know. They helped.

When it is from more than one of you

A teacher at the end of term, the neighbour who fed the cat for a fortnight, the coach who gave up every Saturday. A group thank you card goes round as one link, everybody writes a line in their own words, and it opens on the day.

And the ones you never send

Some thank yous are for the people you see every day. A partner, a flatmate, a parent. Those almost never get a card, and they are the ones that most need writing down. That is what tbf is for, an iPhone app coming soon: you write a short note when something reminds you of them, and they keep it.